Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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