oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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