I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
