Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
