she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
