Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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