I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
