So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
