If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
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