The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
