I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
