I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
