if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
