I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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