Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
