She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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