I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
