you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
