So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
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Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
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Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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