Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Randomize
