She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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