woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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