so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
