what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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