Umm I'm too high to move.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I didn't notice because vodka
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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