why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
