He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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