It's a beautiful day for a hangover
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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