he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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