how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
