toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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