I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
