I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
