Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
