do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
