i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
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She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
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Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
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