The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
