Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
