End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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