drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
