Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
you traded sex for a burrito?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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