I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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