i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Randomize
