Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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