i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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