He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
