No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
