My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Four minutes until I can fart!
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
