Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
