Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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