Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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