Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
