By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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