you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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