I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
