I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
