you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize