Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
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I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
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I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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